Dearest J,
Sometimes I realize the strangest things.
I think I’ve retreated, built up walls… like the Ninja Turtles when their head disappears in their shell after they’ve seen April changing. Sorry… but seriously, I find myself treading cautiously, reattaching the layers around my heart, hiding behind humor or forced apathy.
It’s a defense mechanism, or maybe it’s a realization–a realization that the smallest things can start the biggest messes. Now I know that sometimes riding the line just causes more trouble than it’s worth. Or maybe I am just scared, frightened, and trying to protect myself by grasping for some semblance of control over my relationships.
I think it’s because I’ve been hurt. In the past I was pretty good at moving on, and not letting my past ruin anyone else’ future. But I suppose I had never been crushed as bad as I had been a few months ago, and now I don’t want any similar situation at all. Or maybe I’ve just gained some insight, about playing with fire.
Anyway, I’m glad I can trust you regardless.
