You slowly crawl where there are no treads
While clocks tick singing for the dead
Leaving a trail of venom as your wake
An art that you so kindly partake

As a sun that lights and burns
You create that sensation of falling
Leaving emptiness, to yearn
That the heart will someday stop falling

There’s a heaviness in the air
Or just them that I breathe, that’s fair
Wrapped like sunlight in the morning
But not free, not live, not breathing

You leave, seething, burning
To your far off destination
Hidden under white wings
And burying mine

the shadow of here

is it aftershock?
or regret?
for some reason
i still feel the hole that you left

my blistered skin still shudders
wet under the gentle rain
falling from the sky of my eyes
down to my windowpane

just leave, just leave
you had me too long deceived
just leave, just
and all i want is peace

i’d like to forget
the me that can’t forget
i’d like to forget
and see what’s next

is it cruel irony?
that love doesn’t die
even after
the fire of a lie?

Cutting ties

When friendship is a formality, then what’s the fucking point
of presenting any kind of face to you
of showing anything other what has become the truth
What’s the point of any presentation?
I don’t live in illusions
I don’t lay near you

Do you mind
That I ever crawl into your mind
Like a buried mess underneath the bed
As you do, mine

To cope, I used to dream
I fantasized of made amends
But a dream deferred is as good as dead
And the seed grows old and red

Whe you give a little, and lose a lot
You lose everything you keep inside
Concrete cars, and boarded boxes
Everything you tried to hide

Someday
I will look back
And marvel
That I spent so much time
Not experiencing
Happiness

i think clearly when i’m on my knees

i think clearly when I’m on my knees
when the world becomes much bigger than me
and the only thing that reaches my eyes
is the ground that I despise

A shout,
A shy,
A dish,
A die,
The hours pass by
But I pay them no heed.

The time does not return to me,
Though sometimes we return to time

A mark,
A spark,
A time,
A bind,
The chances slip by
Though I have much need.

The cushion of routine sets in,
This light is slowly growing dim

I must survive
Sink
or
Swim.

eyes shut, heart weak
the lips could move
if you could speak

instead your heart carries
questions, and questions
up to sky, to the prairies

mouthing words
why? why?
even as you lay
to die

God, where are you?
where’s your touch
i never really asked for much

once growing, now growing weak
as the body turns on itself
life becomes a hell

why do I go like this?
slapped in the face
when asked for God’s kiss

mouthing words
why? why?
even as you lay
to die

God, where are you?
where’s your touch
i never really asked for much

ocean–

sweet ocean. or salty?

the ebbing and flowing tide, the constant but unpredictable nature. you never fall behind. i am always standing at the shoreline, gazing out into the sea. sometimes i go in, the water up to my knees.

is it fear? is it apathy?

that keeps me here.

keeps me near the shore.

i will never drown, but i will never swim.

is there still happiness within this frame?

as the waves erase the names.

Dearest J,

Sometimes I realize the strangest things.

I think I’ve retreated, built up walls… like the Ninja Turtles when their head disappears in their shell after they’ve seen April changing. Sorry… but seriously, I find myself treading cautiously, reattaching the layers around my heart, hiding behind humor or forced apathy.

It’s a defense mechanism, or maybe it’s a realization–a realization that the smallest things can start the biggest messes. Now I know that sometimes riding the line just causes more trouble than it’s worth. Or maybe I am just scared, frightened, and trying to protect myself by grasping for some semblance of control over my relationships.

I think it’s because I’ve been hurt. In the past I was pretty good at moving on, and not letting my past ruin anyone else’ future. But I suppose I had never been crushed as bad as I had been a few months ago, and now I don’t want any similar situation at all. Or maybe I’ve just gained some insight, about playing with fire.

Anyway, I’m glad I can trust you regardless.